Notes from a dark place

I was there. Sitting on the bathroom floor in my beloved house. Staring into an abyss with a razor held against my wrist.

I had a skinful. I spent the evening not fooling my friends with a dead-eyed smile and obsessive topic of conversation. On the outside, I was "fine". I wasn't "on form" and "acting a bit weird", but I was "fine".

But I wasn't. I was silently screaming into the quicksand that enveloped me. A different sort of cancer was eating away at me. It made its presence known in every fibre of my being. Knotting my insides. Chipping away at my soul. Infecting my brain. Until I became someone I didn't recognise.

I didn't like who I'd become. I didn't like my life. I didn't know how to change it. I just couldn't see that crack of light through a locked door. I was tired from fighting through the storm.

In all honesty, I used the phrase "why does everything have to be a battle" a lot. That's how I felt. Every set back and problem fuelled the perception that I was born under a cursed star. My life was a feckless struggle, whatever I did was futile, as the world was against me.

I was lucky though, I have a mother who fought through worse for me. To have me, keep me and protect me. I was her reason for being. And she knew I wasn't me.

I have a best friend, who was also in a dark place. We found solace in each other. Our mutual spirituality led us down paths that taught us bad energy attracts bad energy.

Imagining the look on my mother's face when she came round, as I wasn't answering the phone, to see my pale body lying in a pool of my dried blood. I couldn't do it to her. I couldn't add to her woes or her darkness.

It was then I realised I needed to talk to my friends and family. Not in keep calm, carry on platitudes, but honestly. Bearing my soul about my inability to function anymore, my feelings of deep self-hatred and the despair I felt at my life.

The more I talked, the clearer my mind became. It was like a fog lifting. The flailing limbs of my panic started to cease, but instead of drowning, I floated up towards the surface, where the sun shone and liberty existed. I gasped into life.

It's #WorldSuicidePreventionDay. Depression, along with any form of mental health issue, is a silent killer. This doesn't mean you should be silent.

Listen without prejudice. Love without boundaries. Don't be afraid of what you deem as weakness - strength exists when you face your fears. Talk to someone, if it's bothering you, it's important. If it's important, someone has the time, every time.

You're not alone.